Identity: Strong

Phil stairs

The most devastating thing to happen to any mom, dad, family…{It is hard for me to believe this year is only four months in}…Four months of complete and utter heartbreak for me.  How do you start to write about something such as this?

My husband fractured his foot on January 15th with a diagnosis of 6-8 weeks out of work.  Actual was nearly 12 weeks.  Anyone who has had to go on worker’s com/disability knows your pay is drastically decreased during this time; couple that with the injured person being the primary provider for the family and you’ve got a rough go of it.  I asked God, “Why?…Why is he hurt?  How will we make it through this injury financially?”

I felt God pull on me to increase our tithe, knowing that God would provide all our provisions–I needn’t worry.  “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else…and he will give you everything you need.  So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries.  Today’s trouble is enough for today.”  Matthew 6:33-34.  Truer words have never been spoken.  By letting go of what I couldn’t control: I found peace.

**Editor’s note:  Please know that this next part of Amanda’s story deals with loss of a child.  She wrestled with God about whether or not she should tell this story, but He kept bringing her back to it.  Please be encouraged by her heart, her words, and her experience.  And to see God’s Hand in showing her that she CAN gain strength through Christ.**

The first week of February I found out I was pregnant…

“For this child I have prayed…” 1 Samuel 1:27.   Shocked.  Elated.  Giddy.

I went in for bloodwork, a simple HCG test to determine how far along I was.  Ideally, your HCG levels double every 24-48 hours…

Then a phone call.

My levels didn’t double.  They barely went up at all, in fact.  My Midwife was sympathetic, she told me the pregnancy was not viable…I would miscarry soon.  If not, it was possibly an ectopic pregnancy, a much more serious and dangerous situation.

I cried in the shower that night. I have two young kids; I couldn’t break in front of them, I’m Super Mom!  Nothing can beat me!  But this did.  We went out for dinner with the kids that night, played at the nickel arcade.  It was bittersweet fun, an attempt to pretend we weren’t completely broken inside.  

10 days passed and nothing happened. “Then call on me when you are in trouble, and I will rescue you, and you will give me the glory.” Trusting in his plan is incredibly hard, I wanted to have an answer right away. Why wasn’t I losing the baby like they said? Is the baby okay? Will I be okay?

I went in for an ultrasound. They found 2 embryonic sacs! One was empty and one had a heartbeat! I’d been pregnant with twins and lost one, this explained the weird HCG levels. This was the HOPE I’d wanted. We left excited, crying happy tears.

Another phone call.

The remaining baby’s heartbeat was low…too low for comfort.  This was NOT my Midwife who called and she was not sympathetic.  She was clear I would miscarry soon.

4 days passed. I lost the baby the on a Sunday evening.

I stared down at this perfect sac, with a tiny baby inside…{yes I saw my baby pass}. This child had lived. No matter how short of life, my child lived for but a moment inside me.

February 2016 was a terrible month.  But God answered my questions, though.

Onest, my husband, was off the entire time.  Every up and down during that month he got to be right beside me. Fracturing his foot was not a curse, but a blessing.  Together, we relied completely on Christ to carry us through the month.  Through Christ alone, we did make it, and we still make it.

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  Philippians 4:13.  Life doesn’t stop because of a miscarriage.  Onest’s foot was still broken.  My son still needed to be driven to school and swimming lessons.  Onest still had appointments.  I had work.

Isaiah boarded path

I prayed that I would understand WHY I lost this baby and I do.  “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts…and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine..” Isaiah 55:8-9.  I know there is a purpose behind this miscarriage.  I still break down at times, I cry out to the Lord to give me the strength to get through the day.

Our child lived.

“But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength; they will soar high on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:31

I named the baby a name very personal to my heart.  The baby is on the journey of a lifetime now with our Lord and Savior.  I will see them again one day.

RobertFamily2015-101I am a stay at home mom first and a part time professor at George Fox. My husband is a police officer so we are a blue line family. My kids are 4 and 2 and keep me busy all the time!






6 thoughts on “Identity: Strong

  1. Sharon O says:

    What a beautiful story. My son is a sergeant in the police department in Yamhill county, part time and he also works for the state of Oregon in Child support. Being a new ‘young couple’ has a lot of pressures. God be with you in the years of forming a family.
    Many couples have angel babies. I am sorry.


  2. Rita Manzella says:

    Thank you Amanda for sharing your heartbreak and all of the love and comfort that our Savior brought to you. God blessed you and your family as you trusted Him completely and gave Him all the glory. Blessings and comfort to you and your family as you continue to travel through this time of deep grief and know that you have touched many hearts in the process.


  3. alys says:

    I admire your faith and strength. You are a wonderful wife and mother. May you and your family be lifted in you struggles.
    Thanks for sharing we need more goodness in the world.


  4. Sarah Hagan says:

    Thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry for the loss you have experienced and rejoice with you in the faithfulness of God, ensuring you would have provision for this season.


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